"Bitch I'm Madonna"

And you can be Madonna, too... :

Well... Madonna's clearly gone and stuck the fork in herself again. I well remember the time when a new Madonna project meant a healthy, steady stream of interesting new content. Singles and videos which served as a reminder that - indeed - she was Madonna and that no one could make it all spin like she could. But for her last few albums, it's been a blunt 3-video slap in the face, 1 single per couple months for half a year, then a 3+ year full retreat from the industry.

I guess you could say I've never been a big Madonna Tour guy. Can she really compete against Lady Gaga and the voice of someone who currently seems to stick to her voracious No-Lipsyncing policy? Reviews of her latest (truly awful) album, Rebel Heart, have tripped over themselves to remind us this is the same Madonna who gave us Ray of Light. A fact I certainly had trouble remembering after probably her worst single ever, "Girl Gone Wild." Which of course belonged to her much better 2012 album, MDNA. I should have taken that single as a sign of Madonna's future confessional bangerz but I didn't realize how much sloppier her music could become. Since... bitch, she is Madonna. But the Lady Gaga thing clearly has worn her down and the only platform she seeks to put any effort onto is the stage where Gaga will always dominate. Because she has a better voice, a louder fanbase, and a far greater commitment to costumes, wigs, you name it.

Fuck, I miss Madonna. This one, the Madonna who folded radios in half. This one, the Madonna who made everyone bow down. This one, by hella miles! The Madonna who took risks. Even this one, the Madonna who showed unique grace under constant pressure to slow down or fade out because of her age. But, above all, especially this one. The one of a kind Madonna no one could imitate. This one? Is clearly the Madonna who knew her once un-challenge-able reign was over when Gaga did this. Since then, Madonna's only "Bitch, I'm Madonna" moment was calling "Born This Way" reductive (in spite of its message) because it sounded a bit too much like "Express Yourself." 5 years later, guess what happened? Gay marriage was legalized nationwide in the U.S. So... hardly reductive, after all.

A Gaga with 5 years of music under her belt has become a force more powerful than Madonna was in her first 5. Even in today's #Hashtag world where almost nothing means anything. (You keep fighting those Awards' Battles, Nicki. Covet and cherish and continue to place value only on the ones the racists won't let you have.) (Like I said: nothing means anything.) I guess I should say I love "Bitch I'm Madonna" just a little. Because at least it isn't her 51st millennial shade of this. Confessional Banger Madonna is watered down and vanilla. And a hypocritical take-back of her once powerful declaration: "I'm not a Christian!" Of course, if Gaga makes it super mainstream to clutch that crucifix, who is Madonna to say she won't follow?

TV Talk - Roseanne - Winning the Lottery

(Just want to make it clear this was written when I was 26. In case I said anything embarrassing.)

Yes, I know there is no episode of Roseanne called, "Winning the Lottery."












Anyway, the jump-the-shark phenomenon with TV might have you believe Roseanne lost it after the Conner Family won the Illinois State Lottery and the 108 million dollars (though, it's never mentioned how much they have to end up giving back to the U.S. government). Sure, it lead to at least 2 or 3 of the worst (or, most useless) episodes of the entire series. Especially "Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti," "Roseambo," and for the most part, "Pampered to a Pulp."












I almost have to wonder now what my point is. I mean, if you're reading this, I should think you remember seeing this season for yourself. Admittedly, it's clearly the weakest of the set of nine total (the show ran from '88 to '97). It's not the fault of the writers deciding the Conners should winning millions of dollars. Seriously- talk about 'The' American Dream (or, the American Dream of the '90s). Plus, the 9th season was able to make D.J. into a character I didn't hate (I'm going to talk more about that later).












I also think "What a Day for a Daydream" episode is one of the best episodes of any season after the show's 5th (and best) season. How many episodes of the show basically took place in just one room? Naturally, I wasn't crazy about the stuff with Hugh Hefner. Though the scene was funny. And I liked seeing Roseanne as a beauty queen. Sort of like the funny side of Delta Burke, who was always pretty sad on Designing Women. I could see that happening, and I think she looks good.

And then on The Jerry Springer Show was kind of funny (though nowhere near as funny as the Jerry Springer scene in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me). Since seeing the re-run of this episode in 2005 on Oxygen, I have never been able to forget the moment where the black woman in the audience shouts, "you people are livin' proof that God takes care of children, and fools!" You just have to love any scene in any movie or show where "(bleep)ing" curse words erupt into spontaneous screaming noise.

Perhaps this should have been the last episode of the show. They could have extended the 8th season for two more episodes. But in spite of its' flaws, the last season is worth watching. If nothing else, for that glorious moment when the world's most underdog-ged mainstream family finally get what they truly did deserve- the kind of money that validates how hard they worked and how many times they had to sludge through life's garbage with almost nothing to show for it.

Or... maybe they should have been able to keep it all because none of us are likely to ever see that kind of money. Hell- this computer I'm typing into is the most luxurious and lavish thing I've ever owned (and I don't even own it). We should be able to suspend disbelief and be given this fiction as a kind of escape out of our crappy lives. Either way, we put years into watching this family and I think most of us thought they should get the money.












Which of course, brings up the topic of the show's controversial ending. The ending did bother me because they lost the money. And because, with no Dan, it's just Roseanne and the diner bringing in money for 4 mouths plus her and the girls' husbands.

Movies I'm Frequenting #1: Rabid Grannies (1988)

(Just want to make it clear this was written when I was 26. In case I said anything embarrassing.)

I was a huge Troma fan as a kid. You know how a lot of kids aren't allowed to watch R-rated movies? Well, I wasn't either- same as you. But I found a way around that in 2 ways. Both of which revolved around my owning my own TV/VCR. I got it on one of my Birthdays as a present and got I used it all the time. Got it plugged into the cable and could watch anything on HBO and Cinemax that I wanted to any time I wanted to. I saw so much violence and nudity, if they knew even 1/4th of what I was exposed to- they probably would have sued someone (well... they sure would have wanted to).












What this really means is that, as a kid, I was watching children's shows at the same time I was also watching horror movies and those HBO "Sex on TV" documentaries. Can you imagine what my personality was like? Childish and maybe a little mature at the same time. One thing's for sure- my sort of sexual kinks were developed at a young age (but you don't exactly need to know about that, do you?). My parents also had a lot of R-rated movies on VHS. So, again, as long as my Mom didn't want to watch Roadhouse (1989) while I had it in my room. This is one of the reasons I like so many different kinds of movies and TV. And why my sense of humor is all over the place- it was informed at a very young age. And re-informed many times. Every time I saw something new and funny.












Not to mention the balance (or imbalance) of heavy, adult-oriented violence with cartoonish, child-oriented violence, and the family films light or nil on nudity and the really kind of cruddy "after dark" stuff, especially shown on Cinemax (lots of it with plots involving sports or martial arts), heavy on "bad" language and nudity. Looking back on these days, it really was the only time that I remained open-minded about pornography and heavy nudity on television. There was still well-defined lines, a healthy separation from family and adult entertainment, and a wonderfully free spirit about the whole thing.












Today- kids are sold sex by the bucketful. Girls Gone Wild and Maxim Magazine culture pander directly to the less-than-20 crowd. And the spirit is no longer free and easy. It's genuinely oppressive and heavy handed. And has already started to turn the culture incredibly dark and tense. Just look at how films like Hostel and Turistas couldn't be made without Girls Gone Wild. And E!'s wretched Wild On program- showing teenagers and college students going to exotic hot spots around the world, getting super-pissed on alcohol, and watching women take their shirts off. These people are just walking around life with big Friday the 13th Victim #'s and Bullseyes on their backs.












So, yeah, I look back on the late '80s and early '90s in video-released horror and comedy / sports movies (almost all heavy on nudity) with a real fondness. The kind that makes me look like a serious hypocrite when people hear my cultural point of view on today's status. I imagine my point of view is the same as many people who grew up in the early 80's, when there was also a flood of sexed-up trash. Much of it in the mainstream (Sixteen Candles, Weird Science, The Last American Virgin, many-etc's).












How does that bring anyone to this movie? Well, just look at Troma. They were a leading distributer of sex comedies in the '70s and '80s with stuff like The First Turn On and Squeeze Play. And, though it usually gets the tag of being a horror movie- 1984's awful The Toxic Avenger, which was actually so successful, it launched Troma into mainstream attention. Even begetting a children's TV-show which I remember being a fan of- Toxic Crusaders. And yes, it aired on the basic ABC/CBS/NBC block of channels on Saturday mornings at one point. How's that for exposure?












Troma were mostly distributers and not the actual makers of the movies they became famous for. President Lloyd Kaufman did direct Avenger and a few others (incredibly odious things like Terror Firmer and Tromeo & Juliet). But their bread and butter seems to come from movies they released straight-to-video. A few were European-made films, such as 1989's Evil Clutch and this. There's a big difference between these two titles, though. With Grannies, it's easy to see the intelligence and ambition in it, and the writer's intentions are more amusing and noble than Clutch, which can only be described as batshit (aka- insane) and utterly confusing (aka- "WtF?").












Grannies starts as smart and vicious social satire, painting every member of the Remmington Family as evil, nasty, unlikable, and ugly. But then, when the Aunt characters go rabid and start munching on them- I find myself so full of sympathy for them, it practically spews out of every pore. I was just thinking yesterday- who would I have wanted to die(?). And I couldn't really pick any of them. I wonder if this same approach would have a similar result if the people shown here were picked from today's lot of socially irresponsible and selfish, morally filthy pigs. In the case of Hostel, I say- "let them die." So... perhaps times really have changed (a lot). For the worse in some ways and better in others. I guess people by and large feel more hopeful today (though with the economy being the way it is- that's pure insanity).












But after the first 35 or so minutes, the movie kind of goes a little too intense and becomes a strange "survival horror" film. Though it does retain a little bit of that Murder by Death or Clue-type vibe (2 other movies I loved as a kid). One by one they die and you sort of have to count up in your head who is and isn't alive, or, who's down and who's to-go. This could also be attributed to Agatha Christie's And Then There Were None. Which from what I remember (reading it in school), was also pretty violent (or graphically descriptive in its' violence or death "scenes"). The tone changes so much after the first half hour. It's not even the creepy kind of thing we see in the scene of Alice going to the gate (a damn cool atmosphere moment). More like an incredibly freaky version of a bunch of people on a deadly game of paintball (with the "hide and seek" set-up of most of the murders).












Although, all said and done, this film's resemblance to 1982's Creepshow, which perfected this balance between grotesque and blackly humorous, ensures that the shift kind of works even though it shocked me. 1973's Theater of Blood is another possible influence. Especially when you consider most of the victims are over 35 years old. The gore effects and the nature of the transformations echo 1985's Demons, and since there is a Birthday theme that directly unites both, its sequel, Demons 2 (1986). Stuart Gordon also made a film that's quite a bit like this, 1986's Dolls, also taking place in a castle-like mansion house, and where the victims are being singled out because of how not-exactly-"nice" they are.












I just have to say to myself- God, those first 35 minutes were fun. After that, it's never as-fun again. But, I was a gore fan before I was a dark-comedy fan. Which of course makes the fact that nearly all the blood and gore has been edited out of all U.S. prints more bothersome. American gore fans may never know of the delights of the film's Uncut European version, because the quality of the effects is stunning. Leading to at least one of the most disturbing and vicious things I've ever seen in a horror movie in my life.

Favorite Movies of All-Time #1: Clueless (1995)

(Just want to make it clear this was written when I was 26. In case I said anything embarrassing.)

I love a few different kinds of movies, they really can be divided into basic groups. My childhood and formative years are hugely populated with "feel good" movies (call it something that kept me alive if need be). Some of them romantic-based, etc. Regardless of the fact that I still love to watch mainstream movies that make me feel good, I remain largely cyncial about humanity and life and what lies beyond (just look at my DVD collection to see that). Call it a guilty pleasure. The habit, that is. Not the movies. The movies are too good to pigeonhole. Besides, my sense of humor lies far between dark satirical comedy, and somewhat slapstick or physical, good-natured 'silly' comedy.












Clueless knows what's going on. And I think writer / director Amy Heckerling still knows. She's very smart and observant. But the market for these kinds of films has kind of dried up. People want stupid nowadays and they want it by the barrelful. But- I'm about the fantasy content of life, so let's pretend that the 1990's never ended. At least for this blog entry.












Clueless defined a generation. A generation who accepted some things and ignored many others. No, not every kind of person who lived in the '90s is here in this movie. But most are. The mentality and mindset is totally represented here. And in a way that doesn't make you totally want to throw up. This film is edgy, at least compared to almost all other teen films (even going back as far as the 1950's).












Now... enough of the pretentious, critical mugging (I've never been published as a Critique anyway) and time to get the good, old-fashioned shallow brainrot. Starting with Alicia Silverstone. She is an absolute Goddess of Teen Film, mainstream and otherwise. Blonde, thin, beautiful, looks that make you just want to kill yourself because you'll never look half as good (not me, but others I'm sure).












This 'cap (above) is wonderful because it shows the kind of blur the culture was in. A haze of music and feeling, a self-involved '90s high that felt really good. One of the last decades with a healthy sense of getting detached from the serious issues of the world. Because things weren't so bad that it was sick to distance ourselves from economic and social woes.












When you weigh Clueless against most of Alicia's career at the time, she only has this movie and the Aerosmith music videos in the way of any artistic merit. Most of her stuff were trashy, teen versions of the Sharon Stone / Glenn Close / Kim Basinger adult erotic thrillers that were raking in buku bucks at the time (Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct, Sliver, Final Analysis, Dangerous Liaisons, and 1994's lesser-seen Linda Fiorentino masterpiece- The Final Seduction). Starting with '93's The Crush (co-starring the gorgeous Cary Elwes), and exploding in '95 with True Crime (co-starring Matt Dillon's brother, Kevin, every bit as good-looking but less beefy), The Babysitter (co-starring the ultra-hunky Dazed and Confused bully Nicky Katt), and Hideaway, which I still haven't seen yet but the trailer plays Silverstone as the mysterious dark stranger supermodel type, which I noticed Babysitter did as well.












No- this 'cap is not a dig at how Alicia was criticized for gaining weight or eating too much (this happened in '96 when it was announced she would be Batgirl in 1997's commercial disaster Batman & Robin... which I didn't think was all that bad). Check out the boytoy in the back (kinda Adrian Pasdar-licious, isn't he?). When are guys from today's crappy TV and movies going to learn how to cut their hair?












Speaking of gorgeous guys (I tried, none of the 'caps I got do him justice)... Josh Lozoff is one of my favorites. Yes I know, he plays the mean guy in the scene and everybody hates him because he's not nice to Alicia. But none of that changes the fact that he's gorgeous. Besides, if he comes home with me, that means one less mean guy on the streets to terrorize everyone else.












It's pretty useless to tell you most of the cast went on to huge careers. Donald Faison's is one of the bigger of note, because he went on to Scrubs, the best television show of this decade (and you will hear a ton about it over the course of this blog's existence). Apparently one of his best friends was star Zach Braff before he did the show. He also went on to the TV series version of Clueless, which lasted 3 years (I don't remember it).












Brittany Murphy may have moved on to become Clueless's greatest success story. With movies and shows like Freeway (with Reese Witherspoon, Brooke Shields, and others), Girl, Interrupted (with Winona Ryder, Angelina Jolie, and Whoopi Goldberg), and King of the Hill, among many others. She's proved she's an amazing actress, working with directors like Robert Rodriguez, and probably being nominated for nearly every major award under the sun. She really gives acting her all. One watch of Girl, Interrupted proves that.












And, Julie Brown- who was freaking hilarious in Earth Girls Are Easy, where you could say that Alicia Silverstone's character was either Brown's Candy or Geena Davis's Valerie. So, it's kind of like "Cher" of the '80s came back 9 years later to be "Cher" of the '90s' teacher.

June 8-11, 2009: TV I'm Currently Watching

(Just want to make it clear this was written when I was 26. In case I said anything embarrassing.)












One thing that stands out about the 2nd season of The Jeffersons is how Florence, the most remembered character after George and Louise, only has maybe 7 or 8 episodes total. One of my favorite episodes with her is "Movin' On Down," and she doesn't have much time in the episode. She's an amazing actress with facial features. And I love that little moment where she puts on her glasses to look at George.

The "Louise's Daughter" episode has become a favorite of the season as well. It seems to always be coming down to a few key moments. One is where Mother Jefferson ends up on Louise's side when George starts acting irrational. A lot of older couples (my parents come to mind) have moments where the wife will point out bad behavior on the part of the husband. So, it's highly relatable. Next is Charlie, the bartender. The reason for that is obvious- I just think he's really cute. Then it's Sherman Helmsley's acting. His facial expressions are great too. And I love the line to Lionel, "ask your sister!"

Then, "Mother Jefferson's Fall," which would be a boring episode for me (there was a lot of card-playing in my life and childhood that I remember and almost all of it bored me as a kid) were it not for Zara Cully. I wish I knew what Mustard Green Sandwiches are. Let me try linking to pictures I found on Google (Number 1, Number 2). I love anything to do with her food recipes (Spinach Casserole sounds delicious!). One of my favorite moments with Zara Cully were the scenes of her talking alone to George, then to Louise at the end of "George's First Vacation."












All of the episodes I've mentioned in this post pertain to the 2nd Season only.

What Movie I Currently Haven't Finished #1: 8 1/2 (1963)

There are a lot of heart-breakers in this category (don't ask what the hell that's supposed to mean). Right now, I've been trying to get into the really important film classics and I started watching Federico Fellini's 8 1/2 (I hope that's the right name for the filmmaker). Ghost World mentioned it and I actually thought I should know something about it. Well... I'm 45 minutes into it, and I can't figure out a blasted thing that's supposed to be going on.

There's this guy with parents in his dreams, his father's dead or something. He seems to be a filmmaker and very popular and in-demand. He's involved in a trendy social scene where everyone talks...a lot. There's been dancing, magic tricks, a huge congregation of people going to get a glass of water (or some kind of liquid), famous classical music numbers up the wahzoo. Children bathing and going to bed, the guy gets a headache, and... maybe an affair with a woman wearing a mink hat. That's it.

Oh... and Barbara Steele's in it. Looking a lot like Uma Thurman would be made to look later in Quentin Tarantino's Pulp Fiction (which I've grown to like quite a bit). Barbara, of course, is the world-famous Scream Queen who was in such infamous films as Black Sunday, The Pit and the Pendulum, David Cronenberg's awful They Came from Within (aka- Shivers), and one of my personal favorites- Joe Dante's Piranha.

You Never Saw This

That is all you need to know.